Elevator of Ensanity
by Team Po
Summary: Yes, we KNOW that it's spelled 'INsanity'... it's not a typo. Five people get stuck in an elevator Ensanity Ensues!


The Twilight Zone: Elevator of Ensanity

Opening

Announcer: We're traveling to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead—our next stop... the Twilight Zone!

Scene 1

(Starts in the inside of an elevator. One person (Barnabas Wormbook) is already sitting inside, reading the paper. A bell dings, and Judith Beatrice Compton-Larson walks in and sits down.)

Judy: Hello.

Barny: Mmph.

(They wait in silence, and the elevator dings again. Esmerelda Finklestein comes in and sits down.)

Judy: Oh dear, I hope my daughter is fine. I left her at home alone today.

Esmerelda: It is not in the stars for harm to come to her today, but next week, you will meet someone very dishonest.

Judy: I'll have to watch out for that one. (Gasps) Oh no! Did I forget to turn the stove off?

Esmerelda: It will not matter.

Judy: What does that mean? Was it ominous?

Esmerelda: Your daughter knows how to turn off the stove by herself.

Judy: Oh.

(Bell dings. Melissa Diptown walks in and sits down.)

Melissa: Like, hi! Everyone. Like, how are y'all today? Like, I went to the mall today, and I totally, like, blew all my savings on this totally cute T-shirt. Y'all wanna see?

Esmerelda: (Leans over and puts her hand on Melissa's shoulder.) My dear, beware of tomato sauce on that T-shirt. I see a stain in the stars.

Melissa: Like, what's with you? Why do I always get like, stuck on elevators with weird old people?

Judy: _Old_?

Barny: Hey look, Britney Spears got married again.

Melissa: (Squeals.) Like, really? Like, to who?

Judy: To _whom._

Barny: Like, I don't care.

Melissa: Like, that is sooooooo rude!

Judy: Britney Spears sets a bad example for youth today.

Melissa: Like, what are you talking about? Britney Spears is like, my hero! Adults are so, like, old!

(The bells dings again. George McMuffin walks on and stands right between Melissa and Judy.)

Melissa: Like, excuse me, but could you like, move? I was like, trying to have a debate about like, Britney Spears with her.

George: Move yerself.

Melissa: Like, what is with all these like, rude and grumpy old people? Like, don't they know that we'll be like, paying their social security?

(No one answers. Suddenly, everyone jerks and falls out of their seats, except Barnabas.)

Judy: Oh my goodness, what just happened?

George: Elevator seems to have stalled. I knew something like this would happen.

Barny: What? Did something just happen?

Judy: What do you think went wrong with it? Maybe it'll fall down the shaft! What if it catches fire? (Starts hyperventilating.)

Melissa: Great, now I'm like, stuck in an elevator with a bunch of crazy old people. I _told_ mom she should have gotten me a cell phone. Now I'm gonna be like, late for my manicure.

Judy: Really, though, how long do you think we'll be in here? What if I did forget to turn the burners off? Is anyone claustrophobic?

George: Calm down. Ye're giving me a headache.

Barny: Yeah, I'm trying to read.

Judy: What do you think caused it to break down?

Esmerelda: (ominously) Ahhhh… that would be the aliens.

(Silence)

Melissa: Like, gimme a break! This isn't like, science fiction. Sounds like something my little brother would come up with.

Esmerelda: That's what they all say…until the aliens come for _them_.

Judy: (nervously) Well, I don't see why these—_aliens_—should stop our elevator, anyway. I mean, why bother? (Laughs nervously.)

George: Aliens. Mph. I knew it.

Esmerelda: (Stands up.) The cosmic powers are trying to tell me something… it is not quite clear…

Judy: Oh dear, it's something bad, isn't it? What shall I do? I will just die if our relatives arrive today and the house isn't properly cleaned!

Esmerelda: It is clear! We have an alien in our midst.

Melissa: (Sarcastically) Like, if anyone is an alien, it would be you.

Esmerelda: My dear, anyone could be the alien. It is just as likely _you_ as I.

Judy: I'll bet it's him, (Points to Barny.) He just sits there and _reads_ all the time.

Barny: Hey look! They discovered a way to use pickles to cure cancer!

Melissa: Like, how are things going on the home planet?

Barny: Just fine, although we do have a problem with pollution and idiotic people in power.

Judy: (Gasps) He admits it!

Barny: I was talking about Earth, genius.

Judy: Oh.

George: Yeh all should all jus' mind yer own biznez. Yeh got no reason to go bothering other people.

Melissa: Like, we gotta find the alien, though, right?

George: 'sno alien. 'Sall in your mind.

Melissa: (scooting away from George.) Like, I'll bet it's him. Old people are so, like, weird.

George: Pers'nally, I always thought that young people are weird. After all, yeh're the ones who listen to Britney Spears.

Melissa: (sniffing) Will everyone stop like, beating up on Britney? She's like, the only one I ever looked up to. (Starts sobbing into her hands.)

Judy: There there, dear. I'm sure Mr.—

George: McMuffin.

Judy: I'm sure Mr. McMuffin wasn't trying to make you upset.

George: Yes I was.

Esmerelda: Fools! You waste your time on petty arguments while a danger to the entire civilization of mankind runs rampant!

George: Not much running rampant you can do in an elevator, if you ask me.

Esmerelda: Runs rampant in a very enclosed space! Your arrogance blinds you to the light!

Judy: (Starts to panic.) Aaah! We're all going to die.

Barny: Hey look! They taught a badger to water ski. (Shakes his head.) Who knows what they'll think of next.

(Pause.)

George: Did that have any bearing on the present conversation at all?

Barny: What are we talking about?

Melissa: Like, we're discussing whether you're, like, an alien or not.

Barny: Why don't you just ask me and save yourself some trouble?

Melissa: Are you?

Barny: Am I what?

Melissa: An alien!

Barny: Could there be any doubt?

Esmerelda: There! You scorned me before, but now the imposter has revealed himself before our very eyes!

Barny: I think your sarcasm detector needs an upgrade.

Melissa: Like, my sarcasm detector is like, state of the art, and I _still_ think you're strange.

George: Ev'rybody has the right to be strange.

Judy: Yes, but they shouldn't have the right to be strange around other people.

Melissa: Like, that is such an old person thing to say.

Esmerelda: We must dispense with the petty bickering and find the alien immediately!

(Pause.)

George: The petty bickering is a result of trying to find the alien. Besides, you started all this, you find th'alien.

Esmerelda: Fine then, I will. (Stands up and moves to the center of the elevator.) I will close my eyes and turn around and whomever my finger lands on is the alien.

Judy: Don't you think that's a little juvenile?

Esmerelda: No! (She closes her eyes and starts to turn around. As she does this, George moves to the other side of the elevator. Esmerelda's finger lands on the spot where George just was. Without opening her eyes: ) I knew it! Mr. McMuffin is the—(opens her eyes.) Hey! You moved!

Melissa: Like, doesn't that pretty much prove that you're, like, a phony?

Esmerelda: The cosmic forces are on my side.

Barney: Hey look! Someone in Oklahoma saw a flying saucer yesterday.

Judy: It's true then? Aliens really are out to get us?

Esmerelda: Could you ever doubt that there were extraterrestrial forces waiting to invade the Earth?

George: Yes.

Melissa: that's like, really eerie, though. Like, It's such a coincidence—our elevator stalls right after someone in Oklahoma sees a flying saucer.

George: (pause) Don't seem like such a coincidence t'me.

(Lights flicker weirdly.)

Esmerelda: (dramatically) A sign! A sign that there is an alien in our midst!

Judy: Ooooh!

Melissa: Like, that was kinda creepy.

George: (snorts disbelievingly.)

Barney: (Looks up, puzzled.) Why isn't the elevator moving anymore?

(Everyone stares at Barnabas.)

Melissa: He's gotta be the alien.

(Everyone makes agreeing noises. Just at that moment, the elevator bell dings.)

Judy: Oh! The elevator's moving again!

Esmerelda: What!

Melissa: Like, finally.

Judy: (To Esmerelda) Well, it's been…nice to meet you…

Esmerelda: Esmerelda Finklestein.

Barney: (shakes Judy's hand) Barnabas Wormbook.

George: George McMuffin.

Melissa: (Looking at Judy's hand.) Like, I don't shake hands, but I'm Melissa Diptown.

Judy: Judith Beatrice Compton-Larson.

Scene 2(Wow, was scene 1 ever long.)

George: Hey! You're the new one, aren't you? The one that came in the spaceship yesterday and caused all that ruckus?

Alien1: Yep, that was me. I heard some of the puny human machinery broke down.

George: Yeah. It seemed like some of the humans had caught on to us yesterday, but it turned out they were just stupid.

Alien1: That's humans for you.

(They leave, and Barney enters. He leans against something, and another person enters from the other side.)

Alien2: Hey Barney.

Barney: Mph.

Alien2: You should talk to humans more, Barney! Sooner or later they're going to suspect that you aren't one.

Barney: Nah, it's easy to fool humans as long as you don't say anything. For example, I was stuck in an elevator with four humans yesterday, and none of them ever suspected anything.

Alien2: Or you just weren't listening.

Alien3: Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend. Judy Larson?

Barney: I know her! Right over there. (He points to Judy, who is standing over to the side of the stage, looking around.)

Alien3: Thanks. Judy!

Judy: Oh! I was looking for you! I was worried that you wouldn't be able to find your way.

Alien3: No, I know where this place is. You should stop worrying so much, Judy.

Judy: I know. I'm worried that I'm too stressed.

Alien3: Anything happen lately?

Judy: Oh, I was stuck in an elevator yesterday, and these four humans that were in there with me kept going on about how there was an alien somewhere in the elevator.

Alien3: Are the humans finally on to us?

Judy: No, they never suspected me. I'm good at pretending to be a human.

(They exit, and Melissa and Valley Girl enter.)

Melissa: Like, it was soooo upsetting, because I was like, late for my manicure because the stupid elevator stalled. It was like, can't humans make any like, decent machinery.

Valley Girl: Like, I feel so sorry for you!

Melissa: Yeah. And these four like, totally weird humans started like, going on about how there was like, an alien on the elevator.

Valley Girl: Well, there like, was. You!

Melissa: _Yah_, but I couldn't like, _tell_ them that! They would, like, totally freak out!

Valley Girl: I hate it when humans freak out.

Melissa: Yah, me too.

(They walk offstage, and Esmerelda and Random Extra walk onstage from a different entrance.)

Esmerelda: …and then I said, "that's what they all say—until the aliens come for _them_." And they bought it! Seriously! As if there were such a thing as aliens. People are so stupid.

(They both laugh and walk offstage.)

Announcer: Thank you for visiting…the Twilight Zone. (Lights go off.)


End file.
